If you look atop the Glimm men’s standings, you’ll see an unusually named bracket: Illuminate’s Food Is Worse Than Markley’s. 

The man responsible for this bracket is longtime Glimmer Evan Kwarta, who for years has made a habit of poking fun at me (or my family) with his bracket titles. This year, he took aim at my wife, Glimmer Nicole Kleinbaum, and her company, Illuminate Food. Kwarta’s other bracket names: That brown stuff in Illuminate’s food isn’t what you think it is; Is this Domino’s? Nope, it’s Illuminate; Illuminate’s terroir is a landfill; and Illuminate’s food is less healthy than Papa John’s.

So why is he targeting Illuminate, which (begin shameless plug) is actually an awesome company that delivers local, healthy, delicious food (end shameless plug)? 

“Nicole is a good sport,” Kwarta said. “Often I like to meld a current event with an insult. But this year there’s literally no good or even somewhat innocuous news. So like Reagan and the 2011 Republican Senate caucus, why not attack vegetables?”

His first-place bracket compares Illuminate’s food with that of the cafeteria at the University of Michigan’s Mary Markley Hall, the dorm where Evan and I both lived 25 years ago.

That is not meant to be a compliment.

“I’m lactose intolerant, so Markley got me lactose-free milk,” Kwarta said. “But not Lactaid brand, some ripoff brand that you couldn’t even buy at Meijer. It was spoiled 100% of the time. They made me show them the solids at the bottom of the carton on consecutive days in different cartons before they agreed to spend an extra 75 cents on non-poisonous milk.”

So Kwarta’s point: Purchasing food from Nicole Kleinbaum is akin to poisoning yourself.
But Nicole is undaunted.

“I’m looking at the Markley menu, and this food looks really good,” Nicole said. “Dal and samosas, sushi boss sampler, and chocolate eclairs. 

“And you can tell Kwarta this Vegan beat chickpea burger will firm him right up.”
This brings us to a point Kwarta made himself: As much as he pokes fun of others in Glimm bracket names, he’s on the receiving end, too – often around his bowel movements. Take these two brackets this year, from Jason Eckerling and Jon Karlin (who both also lived in Markley 25 years ago), respectively: Kwarta’s got the runs and Kwarta’s poop #2. 

“Admittedly,” Kwarta said, “there’s a lot of material to work with there.”

All of which is a long way of saying that Kwarta had a good start to the Glimm: In his Markley bracket, he correctly picked 12 of the Sweet 16 teams, giving him 70 total points, one ahead of Joey Barnard. Ellery Kern is in third place with 66.5 points.

In the women’s bracket, Pete Catapano’s PeteCat1 built off a strong first round to stay in first place with 64.5 points, but his lead is perilous: Three of his Elite Eight picks are already eliminated. Defending champ Seth Rubinroit’s Rooting for the other USC is in second with 59.5 points, and the husband-and-wife duo of Michael and Erin Rosenberg are tied for third with 58.5.

Full standings for the men’s pool can be found here, and the women’s pool here. Men’s games resume on Thursday, and women’s games resume on Friday.

And a final note: If you haven’t submitted your Glimm dues ($5 per bracket), please do so via Venmo at @Josh-Kleinbaum.